HWSNBN (Part 2, 2018)
Sometimes love stories unfold not to end in a happy ever after, but to teach you about the non-negotiables for your own being.
Who you are is so much more important than the relationship is, and until you succumb to your own nature, the relationship could never work.
But I tried.
I tried to look past the other girls. How different they were from me, or similar. I tried to choke out the questions in my own head, about why he liked them, and why I wasn’t enough.
I blamed myself for what I wasn’t (affiliated to a greek organization, part of the “in” crowd, cool?) and yet there’s something about all these things that I neither wanted to or could really be.
The truth is, the person I met initially no longer existed.
It took one fight for me to block him, not because I wanted him out of my life, but because I was afraid of what would happen if he decided to walk out on his own, would my heart still be okay after it all.
And it wouldn’t have been, but blocking him was cowardly, and love punishes you when you’re afraid of it.
Our bond was never the same; the telepathy-like communication, the sense that we met for a reason and that reason was being together, slowly or definitely, it didn’t matter anymore, it was all gone.
I had forgotten that he was blocked on my phone, confused at my messages turning green, the deathly silence, the void that nothing else could fill.
I looked for him on campus like a mad woman, looking at cars that drove by, because he might’ve been in one of them, driving past me, over me.
By the time I realized what my cowardice made me do, it was too late. He had gone through, in just a couple months, experiences I could never make up being absent for.
I was gone when he really needed me. And what is love if you can’t be there for moral support?
Just a word with no strength, lying limp, formless and purposeless, a waste of space and time, and he understood this way before I did.
I wanted to right my wrongs, but that was impossible with a man like him.
He burned bridges, quick. And I suspect, his fear of love encouraged him to let me go before I could let him leave.