T E E N A G E D R E A M S

Skipping through this time a little bit, because it’s a blur, or I made it one, and I want to keep it that way.

In summary, we returned to my grandfather’s house in July I want to say, but by December, talks of us going to the U.S were already happening.. again.

This time, my mother filed in U.S courts, and they were threatening my father with jail time if we didn’t turn up soon.

She tried civil court first, but when that didn’t work, she filed criminal charges. For fucking kidnapping.

She said my grandfather + father plotted to kidnap us and.. the authorities believed it.

All allegations, but in a court of justice, it sounded credible.

December of 2012, we flew to the US, were in court, and it was decided that she would get full custody of us.

We were all crying, Mom and Dad included, but all for different reasons.

I thought the courts made a terrible mistake.

She thought, after all these years, her efforts were paying off.

And my dad thought, after all these years, his efforts were vain.

We lived with my mother, to no surprise, for less than a year.

So much trauma was inflicted through all the ups and downs that we could not cohabitate in the same space peacefully.

She ended up giving full custody back to my father, and we went back to Dakar end of 2013.

And teenage years began.

I wasn’t a happy teenager. Obviously because of everything that took place, but also because coming back to Dakar didn’t really make things any better.

It’s not like you can just erase the past and move on. That’s not how it works, and I do wish people stopped thinking they can do that.

I had a hard time pretending I wasn’t hurt by my parent’s choices, I felt let down by the adults around me because nobody took the time to hear my sister and I out.

It felt like I was screaming into a void, asking, “can you hear me?” “Do you see me?”

But nobody was there to hear.

That hurt the most. That pain, I carry to this day. I have a hard time truly expressing my feelings because of this, because I’ve exhausted myself before trying to, and I can’t and couldn’t take another moment of silence, when I in reality was still alive.